Songchild
Topic: Poetry

You sang that song.
You know the one,
the silly American one that
made my voice quiver
and made you ask,
"what's wrong mommy?"

You've been my siren
as long as you've been alive child.
Your very first wail
was a song, child.

I knew who I was then
and where I lived and
what my purpose was
and all the while I was losing
confidence, never knowing,
like so much water down the drain.

These times are bad child,
and I don't feel so equipped
to protect you anymore.
As you slip away and become
sure in your song
I long for those days myself.

Take care, little one,
with your dedicated heart,
and your confident song,
and never mind my silly tears.
I lost the illusion long ago.

Now I must watch as you build yours.
And I know...oh God how I know
that it's not an impenetrable tower,
and how useless flags and songs are
to protect you.

Written 11/12/2001

A little background on this piece. This poem was born in an experience I had with my daughter shortly after the September 11th attacks.

I was driving my daughter across the 2nd Street Bridge to her fathers' house, where I would leave her for the weekend. I was already feeling a vague sense of loss for whatever reason, perhaps the separation anxiety I feel with every goodbye. Anyway, she had a program at school, in which the second grade class had practiced a number of patriotic songs to sing in response to the US situation. You know these songs...America The Beautiful, When the Flag Goes By, etc. She'd been practicing these songs for weeks and she decided to practice again on the drive. We got through America the Beautiful with me barely holding back the tears, but when she sang God Bless The USA, I just lost it. For those who don't know, the chorus is:

And I'm proud to be an American,
where at least I know I'm free
And I won't forget the ones who died
and gave that right to me.
And I gladly stand up next to you
and defend her still today
'cause there ain't no doubt
I love this land
God Bless the USA

Silly, stupid little propagandist type song, see? And I don't even believe in god!! So, why was I so moved? I'm not your typical American; I question my government constantly and often disagree with its policies and politics. I think this "war" as they call it is utter nonsense that effects far more innocent civilians than it does its real targets.

But when I was a child, I bought it, hook, line and sinker. I recall weeping at the National Anthem in the third grade. I loved my country, I loved my flag. I still love my country, but not in the nationalistic sense that songs like these would have us, and not with the sincere, earnest reverence I did back then. Now I simply feel grateful that I live where I do, and no matter how unfair it is (and it is really unfair) I'm relieved I live here and not under Taliban control or in Serbia or Somalia or Jakarta or any place that experiences these conflicts.

And then I know that it's because of where I live and all that I enjoy that many of these conflicts take place. War is, after all, the result of lack of resources. They can say it's God, or Allah, or the Wizard of Oz--in the end the world suffers while we live in relative comfort.

So maybe that was it, maybe, as a friend said, it's dichotomistic. Maybe I feel grateful and hateful at the same time. Maybe I feel like a glutton by virtue of birth and maybe I feel helpless. What I know is that I have struggled with the idea of how to keep this child alive and protect her from harm since day one, when I regretted giving birth because she was out there, unfettered and so easily lost.